Coincidence?

I just need to rant and get this off my chest. Last year (on the 4th of July) I had a guy legit break my heart. I had never felt so close to someone before and he had just up and decided he didn't want me anymore. (Previous blogs were written about him around that time) Anyways.. So after the 4th last year he cut me out completely he just stopped talking to me. And then I finally heard from him on Christmas he talked to me for about a half hour, and then once maybe a month ago. And then last week he drunkenly started talking to me and we ended up talking for over 2 hours. I knew it was just because he was drunk, and then last night he told me he was going to the twins game today, and so was I. He said he got the tickets for free with a friend so he figured they were up in the cheap seats, which I was fine with because then I felt like the chances of running into him would be slim to none.

So I get to the game with my sister in law about an hour and a half early to walk around since she had never been before. I had been really paranoid and had told her briefly about him and that I was worried I'd see him,, just so she knew why I was so jumpy and fidgety. So the game starts and still no sign of him, good I thought. And then during the first inning I see him walking up the stairs and my heart sank. I've never felt something like that and his eyes were covered with sunglasses and he had a hat on and yet I knew as I saw him walking exactly that it was him. And then I started to shake. Maybe it wasn't him. I didn't see his eyes maybe it was a look alike. And then he came down and I saw he was in the section right next to me just a few rows down. What the hell are the odds of that? Long story short. He spots and waves and smiles at me and tells me we'll talk after the game. As soon as I saw that familiar smile that I had been so used to last year I almost broke down. I didn't stay in my seat after the game for him to meet me there. He texted and I told him that me and Nikki were going to take our picture on the gold glove, which we did. When I told Nikki during the game that I had seen him she asked where he was and I pointed him out to her. I told her everything, absolutely everything about me and him and how I had never been so crazy about a guy before. How I fought so hard after to try to get him to give me a chance. And how the attempts were a failure and how he so easily just dropped me.

I miss him.
Fuck.

xoxoAnnie.

ugh..

I've been suffering from pretty severe anxiety attacks that have really been hitting me hard since about January or February. I have always had higher anxiety than most people but lately it's just getting ridiculous. I seem to literally have a panic attack over every little thing that I question or is out of my control. I had been put on an anxiety/antidepressants in the past but those just helped my depression. Now that I've conquered my depression, I got off those since they never fixed my anxiety. I don't want to take any anxiety meds if I don't have to so I want to start researching other options on how to deal with this.

I've become an insomniac again for the past 7 months or so. I think I'm just going through another rough patch about my dad and thats why its come back. I don't know why, but nights scare me lately. All I do is sit in bed and worry one way or another about something. Most of the time I worry about stupid stuff, but I usually end up thinking of dad which makes me cry and nobody is up to help calm me down and I feel like a bother if I try to wake my mom up, so I deal with it alone.

I've been feeling very lonely these days. My phone seems to only go off if my mom is calling me or if I get a cnn update from twitter. My brother in law is trying to hook me up with a paramedic friend of his. He's 25 and Mark was saying he thinks going on a double date together would be the best option for me meeting him. He said this about a month ago and we still haven't gone out yet. I'm starting to worry this won't ever happen and maybe this guy changed his mind about giving me a chance. Wouldn't be the first time someone changed their mind about giving me a chance..

xoxoAnnie

does anyone have a kindle??

I've been looking at investing in one or the nook since around christmastime. But I looked online yesterday to compare the two and the kindle seems to be a way better choice; over a hundred dollars cheaper, there's no backlight and the ink they use makes it more like you're just reading a book rather than a screen, it holds twice as many books (3500) and its lighter than the nook. I was just wondering for those who have either a nook or kindle, what do you think about it? Do you like it?? Is it easy to get used to?
I just read so much and I always have a book in my purse cause I always read when I have downtime, so for me it would be so much easier especially when I finish one to just go on to the next one rather than having to carry 2 books when I'm close to finishing one.

Opinions?!

Thanks!

xoxoAnnie

I don't care what they say...

I'm loving this snow!! I love being able to sit on the couch and relax all day and watch it come down. (I guess if i had classes I would be saying something different, but since I've got nowhere to go until wed I do not mind this at all!)

I spent my day doing homework, watching rugrats, and cuddled up on the couch in my pjs! Successful day if you ask me, and I'll be repeating that tomorrow! Except tomorrow night I'm going to the wild game! :] I'm so excited I haven't been to a game in YEARS! And then I have a physics test on wednesday and then I don't have classes the rest of the week. I love that I only have one day of classes this whole week! It makes me super happy!

I've been meaning to write on here asking this question: Does anyone take/know anyone who takes sleeping pills? I haven't been sleeping the past month- waking up at least 3-5x each night from nightmares of watching my mom die. I wake up either remembering the dream vividly or just waking up unable to calm myself down- racing heart, sweating, etc. And I was wondering if anyone can tell me anything about them cause at this point I'm willing to try anything to sleep through the night. I honestly cannot remember the last time i slept through the night without waking up. My mom thinks it's because my dad's 2 year death anniversary is coming up, which makes sense with the nightmares and anxiety attacks during the night. But I also get a lot of anxiety attacks during the day as well whenever my mom leaves for work or wherever. I just constantly freak out thinking she won't come back that something's going to happen to her. ugh.

Anyways, physics is calling my name. and so is Rugrats! <3

xoxoannie

I've become very angry the past few weeks..

I've had a lot going on in my mind. I've needed my dad's opinion on things and I've prayed and prayed and prayed for him to give me a sign or to lead me the right way with this guy situation. I'm really struggling and stressing out about it and I really need some advice and I haven't really gotten any so I turned to him, the one that ALWAYS helped me out with stuff like this and I haven't had any dreams with him or any signs or anything. I have never felt so alone and it makes me angry with my dad. I don't know what to do and I've lost a lot of sleep and I'm beyond stressed.


I need help.

:(

xoxoAnnie

as much as i love breaks..

I'm ready to go back to school. I'm ready for a routine and I'm finally motivated again to just get out there and kick ass. We'll see how long that lasts, hopefully it will but knowing me I'll get unmotivated pretty quickly. As soon as I start to struggle with a class I usually have a hard time finding motivation to get out and just study. I don't know how to change that about myself, but I would really like to!!

This post is going to be very short because I've got a glass of wine, a new book to read, and a bath calling my name right now :)

I've been thinking a lot about my dad lately. I mean I do every day, but the past few weeks its been really hard on me whenever I think about him. I don't know if its just because of the holidays or what, but I'm just having a really hard time right now without him. The day he died constantly has been replaying in my mind nonstop and I've just been in a funky mood. I kind of feel numb about everything and its just really weird. Every time i see my niece I think about him and I wonder what it would be like if he were here. He would absolutely adore her I know that, but it just makes me really really sad knowing she'll never get to meet him. I am convinced that he visits her. Its weird to think that but I've heard a lot of stories about how spirits visit little kids especially and when she was a newborn there were times when I'd be babysitting her or just playing with her and all of a sudden she'd stop and stare and smile at the ceiling. Sometimes for a few minutes and then she'd look back at me. I know it might not be nothing, but I like to think its just him visiting her and she can somehow see him. I hope that's the case. I hope she gets some time with him. Is this weird of me to think??

Anyways, new haircut tomorrow! Will post a picture afterwards. I'm really excited it'll be my first step towards a new year and new beginnings for me! :]


now, off to read and relax.

xoxoAnnie