dear dad..

School officially started for me, I just finished my first week at my new school, can you believe it!?! I sure can't. It's been a rough road for me without you here. I miss your encouraging talks, the reassurance in your voice, just everything we ever talked about you always made me confident about what I'm doing and where I plan to go. You always gave me so much confidence in myself... and I don't have that anymore.

I finally realized why I'm having such a hard time adjusting to Century, and it's not because I'm not living on campus like I had previously thought. It's cause I don't feel proud of myself for going there. I've had a lot of discouraging words and disappointment from some people I know, and you know as well.., and I just remember when Kimmie transferred to St. Kate's how proud everyone was and how you even cried! And I just feel kind of like a failure that I'm going from St. Thomas to Century. But I keep telling myself I'm going there for a reason and that I should be proud of myself no matter what.

I'm still working on my confidence. I always struggled with it, but these past few months its just deteriorated. I hate boys. I hate how low they can make you feel. I hate everything about taking chances with them because look where it always leads me. You always told me I'd find someone who saw in me everything you did, and I'm starting to feel like this person you have described doesn't exist. And its so hard for me not to have you reassure me about everything. I miss you.

I went to the state fair with mom and kimmie last night for dinner. We ate lots of food as always, and despite the fact that your presence was greatly missed, we had a great time! We are going again for the whole day tomorrow and then sunday with Christy, Mark, and Lainey. I will for sure visit our spot at the DNR fish pools to visit the big fish for you, I know you'll be there. Last year when I did I cried I missed you so much, so hopefully this year I can be a little more stronger for you, and maybe even smile this time at our spot.

I wish I could tell you something that you would be proud of me for, but lately I've just been living to get through each day. I know I shouldn't be like this.. please guide me dad. Please let me know you're proud and please visit me in my dreams soon? I miss you. We could go fishing or to the fair :] you get to pick.

I love you.

absolutely loves dreams..

especially when my dad visits me in them like he did last night. :) I don't remember what happened in my dream or why he was there. But I woke up with this great sense of peace and remember that he was there. Those are bittersweet for me because on the one hand I get to see my dad, on the other its just a dream and I don't physically get to see him. You know? But I learned to take what I can get and if dreams are the only way I can interact with my dad and see him then I'll take it!

It's been 17 months tomorrow since he's died. I cannot believe it. I just can't believe I've gone 17 months without my dad. I look back and try to find the positive in every situation so I've been thinking of what his death has done to me. Besides all the negatives of missing him, being heartbroken with him gone, the amount of physical and emotional hurt, etc. I did come up with some positive things. Trust me though, I'd trade and give ANYTHING just to have him here, but since that's not going to happen I just have to be thankful for the times I had with him and what his death has brought me. I've learned that now he's EVERYWHERE I am. I can feel him constantly in the wind, in the sun, snow, rain whatever. I just feel him always around me, and its comforting. Now if I'm nervous about a test or something, I just think he's right next to me cheering me on! His death has also brought our family so much closer. We've always been a tight knit family but we are more so since he's died. I never leave or hang up without saying I love you to my family. And before that if I didn't say it I never thought twice. But now I just do. And I love that. His death has taught me to be more open and express how I feel to my family. His death has also made me so much stronger. At times I feel anything but strong, but I've made it almost 17 months since he's died and I've survived.

On a lighter note...Just 2 more days til Jimmy and Nikki get here. 5 more days until DULUTH!!
My room is SOOOO FREAKING MESSY. It has to get cleaned up before they get here so that's my night and day tomorrow blaaahhh. oh well.

c'est la vie!

xox

oh boy!!

It's been a while since I've updated. I guess I just haven't had much to really say. I had been having a really hard few weeks. I've been on antidepressants for about 3 years now and I had misplaced them a couple weeks ago and just recently found them again but for the past few weeks I couldn't find them my depression got REALLY bad. To the point where I couldn't even shave my legs because I was so tempted to hurt myself that I had to just avoid it all together so I would know nothing would happen. I hardly talked, I cried a lot. etc. It was just not me. I also thought about that boy a lot during that rough patch and felt pretty down about myself.

But no more thoughts on him anymore. I know I'm way too good for him I've got so much going for me and I don't need that toxin in my life. So if he tries to talk to me again, which from what I posted the last time I doubt he will, but if he does, he will not receive a response from me. :] I have to be strong for myself and know that better things are out there for me.

I finished orientations and I have my books and everything all set and ready for classes to begin on the 23! I'm super excited and soo nervous at the same time-its so weird! But, I'm ready for new beginnings and sometimes that means going through a big change, as scary as it is, I just gotta dive in and see where life takes me.

My older brother, Jimmy, and his wife Nikki are coming home in 4 days for a bit! I am SOO excited!!! I miss them so much. And then 5 days we're going to Jax Cafe in Minneapolis with the family for lunch and I cannot wait! They have THE BEST food EVER! AND THEN 6 DAYS AND WE'RE IN DULUTH UNTIL WEDNESDAY!!!! EEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! My absolute favorite place in the whole wide world!!!! It's the one place I can truly relax completely and just enjoy life. Just sit out on the balcony of the hotel room and read and look out at the lake. SOO relaxing. And of course lots of shopping, zoo visit, watching boats, swimming, gooseberry falls, betty's pies, so much fun!!! It'll be weird it's the first time as a whole family going up without my dad. So I know I'll be sad, but he's with me everywhere I go, I feel him. So I know he'll be there with us and would want us to have so much fun like we always did. So I'm going to do that for him. I deserve it right? The only downside about this Duluth trip is that David lives up there. So I have a feeling I might be way tempted to try to talk to him because as much as I hate what he did to me a part of me really misses him. I know he just played me from the very beginning but I miss him. But I just need to stay strong and nto do it. NO good can come out of it. So I'm doing it for my own good. I need to protect my heart and it's almost fully healed so why open up old wounds? No point in that.

So. Here's to an amazing next week! lots of pictures and stories and great memories will be had and shared on here. :]

xoxo

if i had just one tear rolling down your cheek...

He started talking to me again yesterday... I had my concert to go to and he texted seeing if it was finally the day of the concert. Cause I have been SOO looking forward to seeing Frankie Valli. And it took me a couple hours I held it in as long as I could but I just missed him so much I had to say something. So I was extremely short with him and just said yep it is. And then he asked how excited I was and I said as excited as I was to see Bob Dylan. And he was like well that's saying something!! And I just kept thinking wow... he's acting like nothing happened.. AGAIN. So I finally was just like you know. I'm still not over you yet. And he's like I see. well know that I still would really like to talk to you but I'll give you space. And I was eating at the buffet and at this point sobbing going god it doesn't even phase him. So I just let it out again telling him he doesn't understand how much he hurt me. And his response was "It must suck for you to have to deal with this" as if it doesn't even phase him. And he said he felt bad for how everything happened. I just don't think he gets it. He knows I'm not over it. He knows. There's no way he didn't know I was over it or that the concert was that night. All my facebook statuses have either been about the concert or about him. So he knows. Yet he still wanted to talk as if nothing happened. So. I'm done. If he tries talking to me again I just cannot do it. I can't put myself through this anymore. I start to be fine and then on cue he tries talking and I think I can handle myself fine and show him I'm so better off without him but it doesnt work. I know now that I just have to let go for good. It's all I can do he clearly isn't interested in me. Why would he be ya know?

anyways. enough of that..
THE CONCERT WAS EFFING AWESOME. 6TH ROW. SHOOK HIS HAND AFTERWARDS uhm yah.
good night. my life is complete now that I shook frankie's hand.

:]

xoxo

a bit freaked out.

Had my gyno appt this morning and everything went well except they found some blood in my urine. So they sent it to get cultured and I asked him what he thought it could be from and he said bladder or kidneys or anything. BUt he said he didn't seem too worried since there wasn't a lot. But it's starting to freak me out the more I just sit and think about it. I HOPE its not my kidneys I had surgery going into my freshman year at high school to cure my kidney problems so thats mostly my concern is that its from that. blaaaahhhh.

I need to take my mind off this. major cleaning my room perhaps? yes. ALSo my concert is tomorrow. I think I am going to pass out when I see them I'm SOOOO pumped!!!!!!

School starts in exactly 1 month! SO crazy but I am so stoked!! New beginnings. Just what I need.
I'll write more later--must go distract myself!

xoxo

one down. one to go!

First part of orientation was a breeze!! just sat at a computer and figured out classes. I'm in badminton, small group communications, an english class and physics. Should be a fun semester I think! I am a little peeved my transcripts never got sent out to Century and I mailed a thing for them to get sent out at least 2 months ago.. soooo I don't know what's going on I have to call St Thomas tomorrow and figure this out.

One more orientation to go on the 29 and FRANKIE VALLI AND THE FOUR SEASONS ON SATURDAY 6TH ROW!! yaaaah!!!!!!! :)

today's the big day..

First part of orientation tonight. YIIIIKES. it'll only be 90 min at most. But I'm still way nervous about it. blahhhhh.
To cheer myself up I'm going school supply shopping with Katie today! YAY! It's pretty much my favorite thing EVER. And then I'm going to look for some heels for Vegas because I got the cutest dress for my birthday :]

Ok sorry so short. My mind is just all over the place full of anxiety and what not. I'll write more later after orientation.

xoxo