dear dad..

School officially started for me, I just finished my first week at my new school, can you believe it!?! I sure can't. It's been a rough road for me without you here. I miss your encouraging talks, the reassurance in your voice, just everything we ever talked about you always made me confident about what I'm doing and where I plan to go. You always gave me so much confidence in myself... and I don't have that anymore.

I finally realized why I'm having such a hard time adjusting to Century, and it's not because I'm not living on campus like I had previously thought. It's cause I don't feel proud of myself for going there. I've had a lot of discouraging words and disappointment from some people I know, and you know as well.., and I just remember when Kimmie transferred to St. Kate's how proud everyone was and how you even cried! And I just feel kind of like a failure that I'm going from St. Thomas to Century. But I keep telling myself I'm going there for a reason and that I should be proud of myself no matter what.

I'm still working on my confidence. I always struggled with it, but these past few months its just deteriorated. I hate boys. I hate how low they can make you feel. I hate everything about taking chances with them because look where it always leads me. You always told me I'd find someone who saw in me everything you did, and I'm starting to feel like this person you have described doesn't exist. And its so hard for me not to have you reassure me about everything. I miss you.

I went to the state fair with mom and kimmie last night for dinner. We ate lots of food as always, and despite the fact that your presence was greatly missed, we had a great time! We are going again for the whole day tomorrow and then sunday with Christy, Mark, and Lainey. I will for sure visit our spot at the DNR fish pools to visit the big fish for you, I know you'll be there. Last year when I did I cried I missed you so much, so hopefully this year I can be a little more stronger for you, and maybe even smile this time at our spot.

I wish I could tell you something that you would be proud of me for, but lately I've just been living to get through each day. I know I shouldn't be like this.. please guide me dad. Please let me know you're proud and please visit me in my dreams soon? I miss you. We could go fishing or to the fair :] you get to pick.

I love you.