I really need to get this off my chest.

My mom broke the news to me tonight that she's making a profile on match.com. She started it already, but hasn't finished it and also hasn't paid for it yet. I was taken aback and then she went on to show me a match she had already gotten that they sent her of a widowed guy and she seemed really interested in him and everything. It pretty much hit me like a ton of bricks. I always told her to do something like that since she's been really lonely and sad about dad and everything and she finally seems to be ready to get back out there. I'm really really trying to be supportive and I was completely fine until tonight when she told me she's really doing it.

I hate that I feel sick to my stomach at the fact of her being with someone else. And I understand that its completely selfish and totally immature of me to think this, so in no way will I tell her she can't or how I feel. If this will make her happy then she needs to do it. I want nothing more than for her to be happy and fall in love again, I just didn't think it would hit me this hard.

I have been holding back tears all night over this and I can't seem to keep my mind straight. I know in time once I get used to the idea hopefully it will be easier and I understand I need to work and put an effort to be ok with it. I honestly thought I was ok with it until tonight when its becoming a reality.

I miss my dad. I wish he was here. I will be saying a lot of prayers to give me the strength to move on and be ok with mom dating again. I really in my heart want her to be happy and have been telling her to do this if she wants to meet anyone. But man, now that its a reality I feel like I just got hit with a ton of bricks.

I guess this is one of God's tests to test my strength and faith. I hope I pass.

xoxoAnnie

It's been a while.

I need to get back in the habit of using this, because my stress level is through the roof and I need a way to vent and this is such a good way to do it.

I found out today I have to do an oral presentation in my History of Rock n Roll class next thursday. I'm already hyperventilating and having a panic attack about it even though I'd only be talking for up to 3 minutes. I just absolutely hate talking in front of people, it scares me so much! :( She's drawing names to present Thursday and then the following Tuesday and I really hope I get picked on Thursday so I can just get it over with!

What else is new? Absolutely nothing. I've been feeling so alone these days. All I do is go to school, come home, see my niece and then repeat every day. The days I'm not at school I'm working so my social life is pretty nonexistent at the moment. I just really wish I had a boyfriend, especially with the holidays now. I just wish I had someone you know? I shouldn't complain because I am happy with life and everything. I'm blessed to have the family I do, my brother and sister in law moving back to MN, and my sister and brother in law and niece living down the street for me to see whenever I want. I'm happy to have a nice house and everything, but I still feel like there's something missing- love. I've never been in love, not even close. I ache to feel it so much. I want to know what its like to love someone who loves me back and to have that kind of relationship. Maybe someday. I keep thinking that it just hasn't happened yet because no guy has ever been good enough so my dad hasn't put the right one in my life yet. Seeing things that way makes it a little easier for me, but I'm anxious to fall in love and to feel that kind of happiness.

Maybe someday.

xoxAnnie

Coincidence?

I just need to rant and get this off my chest. Last year (on the 4th of July) I had a guy legit break my heart. I had never felt so close to someone before and he had just up and decided he didn't want me anymore. (Previous blogs were written about him around that time) Anyways.. So after the 4th last year he cut me out completely he just stopped talking to me. And then I finally heard from him on Christmas he talked to me for about a half hour, and then once maybe a month ago. And then last week he drunkenly started talking to me and we ended up talking for over 2 hours. I knew it was just because he was drunk, and then last night he told me he was going to the twins game today, and so was I. He said he got the tickets for free with a friend so he figured they were up in the cheap seats, which I was fine with because then I felt like the chances of running into him would be slim to none.

So I get to the game with my sister in law about an hour and a half early to walk around since she had never been before. I had been really paranoid and had told her briefly about him and that I was worried I'd see him,, just so she knew why I was so jumpy and fidgety. So the game starts and still no sign of him, good I thought. And then during the first inning I see him walking up the stairs and my heart sank. I've never felt something like that and his eyes were covered with sunglasses and he had a hat on and yet I knew as I saw him walking exactly that it was him. And then I started to shake. Maybe it wasn't him. I didn't see his eyes maybe it was a look alike. And then he came down and I saw he was in the section right next to me just a few rows down. What the hell are the odds of that? Long story short. He spots and waves and smiles at me and tells me we'll talk after the game. As soon as I saw that familiar smile that I had been so used to last year I almost broke down. I didn't stay in my seat after the game for him to meet me there. He texted and I told him that me and Nikki were going to take our picture on the gold glove, which we did. When I told Nikki during the game that I had seen him she asked where he was and I pointed him out to her. I told her everything, absolutely everything about me and him and how I had never been so crazy about a guy before. How I fought so hard after to try to get him to give me a chance. And how the attempts were a failure and how he so easily just dropped me.

I miss him.
Fuck.

xoxoAnnie.

ugh..

I've been suffering from pretty severe anxiety attacks that have really been hitting me hard since about January or February. I have always had higher anxiety than most people but lately it's just getting ridiculous. I seem to literally have a panic attack over every little thing that I question or is out of my control. I had been put on an anxiety/antidepressants in the past but those just helped my depression. Now that I've conquered my depression, I got off those since they never fixed my anxiety. I don't want to take any anxiety meds if I don't have to so I want to start researching other options on how to deal with this.

I've become an insomniac again for the past 7 months or so. I think I'm just going through another rough patch about my dad and thats why its come back. I don't know why, but nights scare me lately. All I do is sit in bed and worry one way or another about something. Most of the time I worry about stupid stuff, but I usually end up thinking of dad which makes me cry and nobody is up to help calm me down and I feel like a bother if I try to wake my mom up, so I deal with it alone.

I've been feeling very lonely these days. My phone seems to only go off if my mom is calling me or if I get a cnn update from twitter. My brother in law is trying to hook me up with a paramedic friend of his. He's 25 and Mark was saying he thinks going on a double date together would be the best option for me meeting him. He said this about a month ago and we still haven't gone out yet. I'm starting to worry this won't ever happen and maybe this guy changed his mind about giving me a chance. Wouldn't be the first time someone changed their mind about giving me a chance..

xoxoAnnie

does anyone have a kindle??

I've been looking at investing in one or the nook since around christmastime. But I looked online yesterday to compare the two and the kindle seems to be a way better choice; over a hundred dollars cheaper, there's no backlight and the ink they use makes it more like you're just reading a book rather than a screen, it holds twice as many books (3500) and its lighter than the nook. I was just wondering for those who have either a nook or kindle, what do you think about it? Do you like it?? Is it easy to get used to?
I just read so much and I always have a book in my purse cause I always read when I have downtime, so for me it would be so much easier especially when I finish one to just go on to the next one rather than having to carry 2 books when I'm close to finishing one.

Opinions?!

Thanks!

xoxoAnnie

I don't care what they say...

I'm loving this snow!! I love being able to sit on the couch and relax all day and watch it come down. (I guess if i had classes I would be saying something different, but since I've got nowhere to go until wed I do not mind this at all!)

I spent my day doing homework, watching rugrats, and cuddled up on the couch in my pjs! Successful day if you ask me, and I'll be repeating that tomorrow! Except tomorrow night I'm going to the wild game! :] I'm so excited I haven't been to a game in YEARS! And then I have a physics test on wednesday and then I don't have classes the rest of the week. I love that I only have one day of classes this whole week! It makes me super happy!

I've been meaning to write on here asking this question: Does anyone take/know anyone who takes sleeping pills? I haven't been sleeping the past month- waking up at least 3-5x each night from nightmares of watching my mom die. I wake up either remembering the dream vividly or just waking up unable to calm myself down- racing heart, sweating, etc. And I was wondering if anyone can tell me anything about them cause at this point I'm willing to try anything to sleep through the night. I honestly cannot remember the last time i slept through the night without waking up. My mom thinks it's because my dad's 2 year death anniversary is coming up, which makes sense with the nightmares and anxiety attacks during the night. But I also get a lot of anxiety attacks during the day as well whenever my mom leaves for work or wherever. I just constantly freak out thinking she won't come back that something's going to happen to her. ugh.

Anyways, physics is calling my name. and so is Rugrats! <3

xoxoannie