I've become very angry the past few weeks..

I've had a lot going on in my mind. I've needed my dad's opinion on things and I've prayed and prayed and prayed for him to give me a sign or to lead me the right way with this guy situation. I'm really struggling and stressing out about it and I really need some advice and I haven't really gotten any so I turned to him, the one that ALWAYS helped me out with stuff like this and I haven't had any dreams with him or any signs or anything. I have never felt so alone and it makes me angry with my dad. I don't know what to do and I've lost a lot of sleep and I'm beyond stressed.


I need help.

:(

xoxoAnnie

as much as i love breaks..

I'm ready to go back to school. I'm ready for a routine and I'm finally motivated again to just get out there and kick ass. We'll see how long that lasts, hopefully it will but knowing me I'll get unmotivated pretty quickly. As soon as I start to struggle with a class I usually have a hard time finding motivation to get out and just study. I don't know how to change that about myself, but I would really like to!!

This post is going to be very short because I've got a glass of wine, a new book to read, and a bath calling my name right now :)

I've been thinking a lot about my dad lately. I mean I do every day, but the past few weeks its been really hard on me whenever I think about him. I don't know if its just because of the holidays or what, but I'm just having a really hard time right now without him. The day he died constantly has been replaying in my mind nonstop and I've just been in a funky mood. I kind of feel numb about everything and its just really weird. Every time i see my niece I think about him and I wonder what it would be like if he were here. He would absolutely adore her I know that, but it just makes me really really sad knowing she'll never get to meet him. I am convinced that he visits her. Its weird to think that but I've heard a lot of stories about how spirits visit little kids especially and when she was a newborn there were times when I'd be babysitting her or just playing with her and all of a sudden she'd stop and stare and smile at the ceiling. Sometimes for a few minutes and then she'd look back at me. I know it might not be nothing, but I like to think its just him visiting her and she can somehow see him. I hope that's the case. I hope she gets some time with him. Is this weird of me to think??

Anyways, new haircut tomorrow! Will post a picture afterwards. I'm really excited it'll be my first step towards a new year and new beginnings for me! :]


now, off to read and relax.

xoxoAnnie

hello new year, please be kind to me

It's been a while since I've written.. and I've made my resolution for the new year to start it up again, because I love it so much and its such a de-stressor for me.

So much is going on in my head and I don't even know where to start. I've been kind of seeing a guy the past few months.. and by kind of I mean he lives pretty far away so I've only seen him twice in 2 months. And I'm having a really hard time with the distance and we've grown apart and I had told him a couple weeks ago that I can't start anything right now because I really need to focus on school ( I have to retake physics cause my grade wasn't high enough to apply for my program) so I can't have any distractions. But I don't think he really understands because he still talks to me as if we're dating. And because I haven't seen him much my feelings have kind of faded a bit, and I feel horrible for even writing that because he's a great guy. I haven't had a guy treat me as well as him, but its not fair to him that I'm just not feeling it. So do I really end things now or wait a little longer to see what happens? I don't want to lead him on, I've been led on so many times thats not something I will even think of doing so I feel like if I just wait it out a little longer then would that be bad? I'm really struggling with this because I just don't know what to do. And normally I would go to my dad with this, but I can't anymore. I still talk to him but its not the same when you can't get any input back. Its just really stressing me out and I start classes on monday so I just really need to relax and focus on school. But how can I when I am obsessing over this? I'm torn about what to do.. part of me says just end it since he knows nothing would be able to happen until after the semester anyways and if I'm not feeling it anymore now I probably won't be in a few months.. and another part says well maybe if you see him again the feelings will come back. how can you let a great guy like him go. Would I be able to find another guy like him that treats me right? I just don't know what to do..

I'm really glad school's going to be starting up again. I am so ready to focus all my time and energy studying so I can do really well. Last semester didn't go so well. I had a dick of a professor for my writing class-if you got one mistake it was an automatic C on a paper so I ended up with a D in that class.. and I got a C in physics and I needed a B to apply to the program. which blows because I was SO close!! So i'm retaking physics this spring. I just hate how school is so hard for me. I study my ass off for just average grades- but I did get a B in biology and an A in badminton! hahahah :]

It'll be nice to have a routine again and get back in the swing of things. Plus I'm really excited to be back on here writing again, just letting all this out is a weight off my shoulder.

I just found out today New Kids on The Block are coming here July 15-HOLY CRAP I am SO excited!! I will definitely be attending that concert for sure!

Since its a new year-its time for new beginnings and new starts. So of course I will be chopping my hair off on thursday. I just need a change and this I can control so I'm doing it! I'm really excited. I love my hair short and its gotten quite long-past my shoulders. I haven't had it that long since high school. I just get so bored of it when its long because it just sits. I can't do anything fun with it! So i'm pretty excited. :]

I'm ready for this new year.
Fresh new starts!

xoxoAnnie

hello me, its been a while :]

I've been looking forward to saying this for months- I'm finally completely over that guy! YESSSSSSS. It's such a great feeling to not be upset or mad or have any feelings what so ever for that jerk. I've moved on, and it feels wonderful.
I can walk outside and enjoy the day without thinking about him, I can honestly say I'm fully me again. The only difference is I'm stronger than ever :]

I'm going into my fourth week of school, can you believe it!? I can't! Holy moly! I'm really liking my classes so far, not really meeting anyone but thats ok, I've got amazing friends as it is I'm just really happy these days.

My birthday is on wednesday! I'm finally going to be 21. SOO exciting! I'm going to really miss my dad though, more than usual. I'll take a shot of vodka for him. :]

I don't have much to say.. going to Vegas on thursday so I will keep you guys up to date with pictures and stories! My mom bought me front row tickets to see the Elvis Cirque Du Soleil show for my present. I AM SO PUMPED BEYOND BELIEF!!!!!!!

more later, church tomorrow- I'm finally also no longer angry with God about my dad's death. It feels so good to accept the things I cannot change, and trust and have faith. Everything happens for a reason. God has a plan and I'm here for the ride to see where God takes me. <3

dear dad..

School officially started for me, I just finished my first week at my new school, can you believe it!?! I sure can't. It's been a rough road for me without you here. I miss your encouraging talks, the reassurance in your voice, just everything we ever talked about you always made me confident about what I'm doing and where I plan to go. You always gave me so much confidence in myself... and I don't have that anymore.

I finally realized why I'm having such a hard time adjusting to Century, and it's not because I'm not living on campus like I had previously thought. It's cause I don't feel proud of myself for going there. I've had a lot of discouraging words and disappointment from some people I know, and you know as well.., and I just remember when Kimmie transferred to St. Kate's how proud everyone was and how you even cried! And I just feel kind of like a failure that I'm going from St. Thomas to Century. But I keep telling myself I'm going there for a reason and that I should be proud of myself no matter what.

I'm still working on my confidence. I always struggled with it, but these past few months its just deteriorated. I hate boys. I hate how low they can make you feel. I hate everything about taking chances with them because look where it always leads me. You always told me I'd find someone who saw in me everything you did, and I'm starting to feel like this person you have described doesn't exist. And its so hard for me not to have you reassure me about everything. I miss you.

I went to the state fair with mom and kimmie last night for dinner. We ate lots of food as always, and despite the fact that your presence was greatly missed, we had a great time! We are going again for the whole day tomorrow and then sunday with Christy, Mark, and Lainey. I will for sure visit our spot at the DNR fish pools to visit the big fish for you, I know you'll be there. Last year when I did I cried I missed you so much, so hopefully this year I can be a little more stronger for you, and maybe even smile this time at our spot.

I wish I could tell you something that you would be proud of me for, but lately I've just been living to get through each day. I know I shouldn't be like this.. please guide me dad. Please let me know you're proud and please visit me in my dreams soon? I miss you. We could go fishing or to the fair :] you get to pick.

I love you.

absolutely loves dreams..

especially when my dad visits me in them like he did last night. :) I don't remember what happened in my dream or why he was there. But I woke up with this great sense of peace and remember that he was there. Those are bittersweet for me because on the one hand I get to see my dad, on the other its just a dream and I don't physically get to see him. You know? But I learned to take what I can get and if dreams are the only way I can interact with my dad and see him then I'll take it!

It's been 17 months tomorrow since he's died. I cannot believe it. I just can't believe I've gone 17 months without my dad. I look back and try to find the positive in every situation so I've been thinking of what his death has done to me. Besides all the negatives of missing him, being heartbroken with him gone, the amount of physical and emotional hurt, etc. I did come up with some positive things. Trust me though, I'd trade and give ANYTHING just to have him here, but since that's not going to happen I just have to be thankful for the times I had with him and what his death has brought me. I've learned that now he's EVERYWHERE I am. I can feel him constantly in the wind, in the sun, snow, rain whatever. I just feel him always around me, and its comforting. Now if I'm nervous about a test or something, I just think he's right next to me cheering me on! His death has also brought our family so much closer. We've always been a tight knit family but we are more so since he's died. I never leave or hang up without saying I love you to my family. And before that if I didn't say it I never thought twice. But now I just do. And I love that. His death has taught me to be more open and express how I feel to my family. His death has also made me so much stronger. At times I feel anything but strong, but I've made it almost 17 months since he's died and I've survived.

On a lighter note...Just 2 more days til Jimmy and Nikki get here. 5 more days until DULUTH!!
My room is SOOOO FREAKING MESSY. It has to get cleaned up before they get here so that's my night and day tomorrow blaaahhh. oh well.

c'est la vie!

xox

oh boy!!

It's been a while since I've updated. I guess I just haven't had much to really say. I had been having a really hard few weeks. I've been on antidepressants for about 3 years now and I had misplaced them a couple weeks ago and just recently found them again but for the past few weeks I couldn't find them my depression got REALLY bad. To the point where I couldn't even shave my legs because I was so tempted to hurt myself that I had to just avoid it all together so I would know nothing would happen. I hardly talked, I cried a lot. etc. It was just not me. I also thought about that boy a lot during that rough patch and felt pretty down about myself.

But no more thoughts on him anymore. I know I'm way too good for him I've got so much going for me and I don't need that toxin in my life. So if he tries to talk to me again, which from what I posted the last time I doubt he will, but if he does, he will not receive a response from me. :] I have to be strong for myself and know that better things are out there for me.

I finished orientations and I have my books and everything all set and ready for classes to begin on the 23! I'm super excited and soo nervous at the same time-its so weird! But, I'm ready for new beginnings and sometimes that means going through a big change, as scary as it is, I just gotta dive in and see where life takes me.

My older brother, Jimmy, and his wife Nikki are coming home in 4 days for a bit! I am SOO excited!!! I miss them so much. And then 5 days we're going to Jax Cafe in Minneapolis with the family for lunch and I cannot wait! They have THE BEST food EVER! AND THEN 6 DAYS AND WE'RE IN DULUTH UNTIL WEDNESDAY!!!! EEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! My absolute favorite place in the whole wide world!!!! It's the one place I can truly relax completely and just enjoy life. Just sit out on the balcony of the hotel room and read and look out at the lake. SOO relaxing. And of course lots of shopping, zoo visit, watching boats, swimming, gooseberry falls, betty's pies, so much fun!!! It'll be weird it's the first time as a whole family going up without my dad. So I know I'll be sad, but he's with me everywhere I go, I feel him. So I know he'll be there with us and would want us to have so much fun like we always did. So I'm going to do that for him. I deserve it right? The only downside about this Duluth trip is that David lives up there. So I have a feeling I might be way tempted to try to talk to him because as much as I hate what he did to me a part of me really misses him. I know he just played me from the very beginning but I miss him. But I just need to stay strong and nto do it. NO good can come out of it. So I'm doing it for my own good. I need to protect my heart and it's almost fully healed so why open up old wounds? No point in that.

So. Here's to an amazing next week! lots of pictures and stories and great memories will be had and shared on here. :]

xoxo