as much of a night owl as I am..

Sometimes nights get the best of me. I still continue to have my panic attacks. Not the past week though, since my focus has been on trying to get over and move on from that assfuck. I've just been really down though, me and him would skype almost every night until we fell asleep and he made me not feel lonely anymore. And now that I lost him I just feel really lonely and again very aware that my dad is not here. Me and him would stay up til about 1am every night and just talk. He would tell me stories about him growing up and what my grandparents were like as parents. Stuff like that. He would tell me about how he got dumped on valentines day EVERY time I got my heartbroken. EVERY TIME. Because to him, nothing was worse than that. So going through this, probably my first big heart break since his death, I find myself retelling those stories he told me to ease my heart a bit. And I can tell you its definitely not the same, but as I say them to myself I hear him as if he's the one talking to me. As weird as that might sound. I guess I just don't want to feel so alone.

A month before my dad died, when I had a guy lead me on the week before valentines day, I got the valentines day story, as well as hearing something I had never heard him say before, or ever will again. He told me that he couldn't wait to walk me down the isle. How he couldn't wait to dance to forever young with me, since that was our song. He promised me he'd be there to do that, after being the smartass I was said yeah right I doubt I will at this rate, he continued to tell me how much he couldn't wait til I got married. And he said that someday I'll find someone who saw in me what he does.

I think my dad saw something in this fucker that I hadn't seen, and saw that maybe I deserved a lot better than him, so decided to get him out of my life before anything worse could have happened. And I have a feeling he's up there in heaven picking out my Mr. Right. I just hope he hurries up so I don't feel so alone anymore..