if i had just one tear rolling down your cheek...

He started talking to me again yesterday... I had my concert to go to and he texted seeing if it was finally the day of the concert. Cause I have been SOO looking forward to seeing Frankie Valli. And it took me a couple hours I held it in as long as I could but I just missed him so much I had to say something. So I was extremely short with him and just said yep it is. And then he asked how excited I was and I said as excited as I was to see Bob Dylan. And he was like well that's saying something!! And I just kept thinking wow... he's acting like nothing happened.. AGAIN. So I finally was just like you know. I'm still not over you yet. And he's like I see. well know that I still would really like to talk to you but I'll give you space. And I was eating at the buffet and at this point sobbing going god it doesn't even phase him. So I just let it out again telling him he doesn't understand how much he hurt me. And his response was "It must suck for you to have to deal with this" as if it doesn't even phase him. And he said he felt bad for how everything happened. I just don't think he gets it. He knows I'm not over it. He knows. There's no way he didn't know I was over it or that the concert was that night. All my facebook statuses have either been about the concert or about him. So he knows. Yet he still wanted to talk as if nothing happened. So. I'm done. If he tries talking to me again I just cannot do it. I can't put myself through this anymore. I start to be fine and then on cue he tries talking and I think I can handle myself fine and show him I'm so better off without him but it doesnt work. I know now that I just have to let go for good. It's all I can do he clearly isn't interested in me. Why would he be ya know?

anyways. enough of that..
THE CONCERT WAS EFFING AWESOME. 6TH ROW. SHOOK HIS HAND AFTERWARDS uhm yah.
good night. my life is complete now that I shook frankie's hand.

:]

xoxo

a bit freaked out.

Had my gyno appt this morning and everything went well except they found some blood in my urine. So they sent it to get cultured and I asked him what he thought it could be from and he said bladder or kidneys or anything. BUt he said he didn't seem too worried since there wasn't a lot. But it's starting to freak me out the more I just sit and think about it. I HOPE its not my kidneys I had surgery going into my freshman year at high school to cure my kidney problems so thats mostly my concern is that its from that. blaaaahhhh.

I need to take my mind off this. major cleaning my room perhaps? yes. ALSo my concert is tomorrow. I think I am going to pass out when I see them I'm SOOOO pumped!!!!!!

School starts in exactly 1 month! SO crazy but I am so stoked!! New beginnings. Just what I need.
I'll write more later--must go distract myself!

xoxo

one down. one to go!

First part of orientation was a breeze!! just sat at a computer and figured out classes. I'm in badminton, small group communications, an english class and physics. Should be a fun semester I think! I am a little peeved my transcripts never got sent out to Century and I mailed a thing for them to get sent out at least 2 months ago.. soooo I don't know what's going on I have to call St Thomas tomorrow and figure this out.

One more orientation to go on the 29 and FRANKIE VALLI AND THE FOUR SEASONS ON SATURDAY 6TH ROW!! yaaaah!!!!!!! :)

today's the big day..

First part of orientation tonight. YIIIIKES. it'll only be 90 min at most. But I'm still way nervous about it. blahhhhh.
To cheer myself up I'm going school supply shopping with Katie today! YAY! It's pretty much my favorite thing EVER. And then I'm going to look for some heels for Vegas because I got the cutest dress for my birthday :]

Ok sorry so short. My mind is just all over the place full of anxiety and what not. I'll write more later after orientation.

xoxo

maybe i, i'm not so easily stung..

I've got my orientation tomorrow night. I'm still a bit nervous but now a little excited. I hope the nervous goes away and excited overpowers it. I just get anxiety over the unknown and i overanalyze and over think and just freak out about everything. I just need to relax. It's a new start for me. New start= new beginnings. I just don't know about change. I usually don't like it. But I'm starting over fresh and ready to go to school and meet new people and keep my old close friends even closer to me. I'm so thankful for all of my friends. I couldn't ask for a better bunch :)

I got to catch up with Margo tonight! My roommate from freshman year. She's amazing. And I miss her dearly! So it was nice catching up for a bit and seeing how she's been and what not.

I think the perfect thing for me to do tonight is start season 2 of sex and the city and just lay in bed and relax. That sounds perfect to me. :)

It's his birthday today. And I'm staying strong and just not saying anything. He doesn't deserve my well-wishes. Or presents I had bookmarked online to maybe send so he'd get them by today. He's not worth it. He's scum and doesn't deserve anything I was going to surprise him with.

Here's to new beginnings and cheers to the unknown that awaits me in the future.

xoxo

a weee bit nervous..

This week is going to be hectic. And a little nerve-racking. I have my first part of orientation at Century on tuesday at 6pm. I think that one is only for like an hour or so I have to meet with a counselor to figure out classes and stuff. I don't know why I'm so nervous about it. I just know its not going to be like St. Thomas. And I loved it there SOO much. I just hope I like it there. I really hope I do. And then Friday I have a gyno appointment. YUUUCk. haha I don't really enjoy those but ya gotta do 'em. And Saturday will be the best day ever- going to see FRANKIE VALLI AND THE FOUR SEASONS 6TH ROW!!! hell YAH! but then on the 29th I have to do the second part of my orientation.
Just lots of prayers that the orientations go well and that I'll really enjoy it there.
Thats all for now.

xoxo

wicked picture i took after the storms passed tonight. pretty eerie looking if you ask me!

home and feeling refreshed!!

It was such a nice little getaway! ahhh so relaxing and just took my mind off of that boy. I hate how I still get really upset when I think about him, but I haven't thought of him as much the past few days, so I'm getting there.. :]

Also! If the game gets cancelled I'm going to CRY! booo! Hopefully the weather stays clear enough so that it doesn't get bad!
Ok I should probably get ready for the game and what not, write more later.

xoxo

my wish has come true!

I will be getting away for a few days. Going to visit Liz in Prior Lake til saturday. She's dog sitting tomorrow night and the place has a pool and everything and it'll be so relaxing I cannot wait!! Oh and saturday I will be going to the twins game with my momma :]

Take each day little by little and I look forward to these small things that make my heart happy :]

xoxo

I need to get away..

like ASAP. I haven't felt this low about myself in so long. First with David. And for the longest time now it seems like I can't do anything right at home. Kimmie constantly yells at me and says either that I don't do anything at all or if I do its not good enough. I'm so sick of it. It takes a toll and makes me feel so shitty about myself. And now with this whole David shit I just haven't felt this bad about myself in a long time. I need to get away.

Lucky for me I have a great love for books. and I can get away by reading. But sometimes that just isn't enough..

so frustrated.

He tried talking to me last night. late last night out of nowhere. He ignored me for about a week and then out of the blue started talking as if nothing happened. So I small talked for a little bit but the whole time in the back of my mind was this stupid hope that maybe he changed his mind. Just maybe he realized I'm a good thing and completely worth it. So I finally just asked why are you talking to me? You've ignored me for about a week and then just start talking. Do you have something specific you want to say to me? And he was just like no. I figure I'd give it a couple days since things ended poorly and I don't want to lose our friendship. And I was just like oh..ok. I just can't believe after all this he thinks I would be fine after a week. Are you kidding me?? He completely crushed me. And he's obviously doing just fine if he thinks I'd be completely ok after just a week. So then he's just like I still think you're awesome. And I was like well obviously not awesome enough since you won't take a chance on me. And all he said to that was "see." So at this point I'm in tears. Just shaking and in tears I'm so upset to the point where I just let it out. I said you don't get it. You don't understand how much I liked you and how for once I was completely myself with a guy in every single way. I gave and gave and gave and at the end fought so hard for you. I've never fought for a guy to give me a chance. I've never wanted a guy that much to fight for him. And you don't understand how much you hurt me and how low you made me feel about myself for not giving me that chance. And then I just signed off. I don't know what he would have said to it. But do I really want to know anyways? He's got nothing to say to me that will make it go away.

I was finally starting to do ok and then after that I'm right back where I was. Completely and utterly crushed.

went rollerblading tonight..

and I only ate it once!!! it was a pretty epic fall, but I laughed my ass off and Kimmie and Sarah Penn laughed as well. But I had such a good night. Kept my mind at ease and no distractions about that guy. I told Sarah about it and she told me that you have to go through a lot of douches to get to the right guy. And she said with girls like me it usually happens when you least expect it. So I guess there's nothing for me to do but focus on other things such as family and friends :) and thats what I've been doing the past few days. I realize how thankful I am to have the most amazing friends who care about me and who I adore so much, especially you Sally :] I can't even comprehend how blessed I am for the people I have in my life.

Plus my little niece just stole my whole heart the minute she was born. She instantly puts me in the best mood and makes all the shitty stuff disappear.

I guess now I don't feel hopeless anymore, but rather hopeful as to what's in store for me in the future and what God has planned for me. I guess there's no point in worrying and stressing over something God has planned for you :)

Goodnight
xoxo

as much of a night owl as I am..

Sometimes nights get the best of me. I still continue to have my panic attacks. Not the past week though, since my focus has been on trying to get over and move on from that assfuck. I've just been really down though, me and him would skype almost every night until we fell asleep and he made me not feel lonely anymore. And now that I lost him I just feel really lonely and again very aware that my dad is not here. Me and him would stay up til about 1am every night and just talk. He would tell me stories about him growing up and what my grandparents were like as parents. Stuff like that. He would tell me about how he got dumped on valentines day EVERY time I got my heartbroken. EVERY TIME. Because to him, nothing was worse than that. So going through this, probably my first big heart break since his death, I find myself retelling those stories he told me to ease my heart a bit. And I can tell you its definitely not the same, but as I say them to myself I hear him as if he's the one talking to me. As weird as that might sound. I guess I just don't want to feel so alone.

A month before my dad died, when I had a guy lead me on the week before valentines day, I got the valentines day story, as well as hearing something I had never heard him say before, or ever will again. He told me that he couldn't wait to walk me down the isle. How he couldn't wait to dance to forever young with me, since that was our song. He promised me he'd be there to do that, after being the smartass I was said yeah right I doubt I will at this rate, he continued to tell me how much he couldn't wait til I got married. And he said that someday I'll find someone who saw in me what he does.

I think my dad saw something in this fucker that I hadn't seen, and saw that maybe I deserved a lot better than him, so decided to get him out of my life before anything worse could have happened. And I have a feeling he's up there in heaven picking out my Mr. Right. I just hope he hurries up so I don't feel so alone anymore..

it's been a while.

And there's so much to say and I just don't even know where to begin. I trusted this guy. I for once was completely myself in every way and it wasn't enough. He just up and decided he didn't want me. Just tossed me aside like I didn't even mean anything to him. And I hate how much I miss him. I hate that every night and every day all I can think about is him. I check my phone constantly thinking I'll hear from him and my heart sinks whenever I see that I haven't. He's just done with me. Just like that. I wish it was as easy for me to let go as it is for him. I wish for some reason he'd change his mind and see that I'm worth taking a chance for. But like one of my all time favorite songs go "ah but I may as well try and catch the wind.." That's how hopeless I feel. Incredibly hopeless. I fought for him. I fought and tried my best and he didn't want me. He. Didn't. Want. Me. I'm completely crushed. I had never met someone I connected so easily with. Had so much in common with. Everything seemed so right. And he just tossed me aside..