Coincidence?

I just need to rant and get this off my chest. Last year (on the 4th of July) I had a guy legit break my heart. I had never felt so close to someone before and he had just up and decided he didn't want me anymore. (Previous blogs were written about him around that time) Anyways.. So after the 4th last year he cut me out completely he just stopped talking to me. And then I finally heard from him on Christmas he talked to me for about a half hour, and then once maybe a month ago. And then last week he drunkenly started talking to me and we ended up talking for over 2 hours. I knew it was just because he was drunk, and then last night he told me he was going to the twins game today, and so was I. He said he got the tickets for free with a friend so he figured they were up in the cheap seats, which I was fine with because then I felt like the chances of running into him would be slim to none.

So I get to the game with my sister in law about an hour and a half early to walk around since she had never been before. I had been really paranoid and had told her briefly about him and that I was worried I'd see him,, just so she knew why I was so jumpy and fidgety. So the game starts and still no sign of him, good I thought. And then during the first inning I see him walking up the stairs and my heart sank. I've never felt something like that and his eyes were covered with sunglasses and he had a hat on and yet I knew as I saw him walking exactly that it was him. And then I started to shake. Maybe it wasn't him. I didn't see his eyes maybe it was a look alike. And then he came down and I saw he was in the section right next to me just a few rows down. What the hell are the odds of that? Long story short. He spots and waves and smiles at me and tells me we'll talk after the game. As soon as I saw that familiar smile that I had been so used to last year I almost broke down. I didn't stay in my seat after the game for him to meet me there. He texted and I told him that me and Nikki were going to take our picture on the gold glove, which we did. When I told Nikki during the game that I had seen him she asked where he was and I pointed him out to her. I told her everything, absolutely everything about me and him and how I had never been so crazy about a guy before. How I fought so hard after to try to get him to give me a chance. And how the attempts were a failure and how he so easily just dropped me.

I miss him.
Fuck.

xoxoAnnie.

ugh..

I've been suffering from pretty severe anxiety attacks that have really been hitting me hard since about January or February. I have always had higher anxiety than most people but lately it's just getting ridiculous. I seem to literally have a panic attack over every little thing that I question or is out of my control. I had been put on an anxiety/antidepressants in the past but those just helped my depression. Now that I've conquered my depression, I got off those since they never fixed my anxiety. I don't want to take any anxiety meds if I don't have to so I want to start researching other options on how to deal with this.

I've become an insomniac again for the past 7 months or so. I think I'm just going through another rough patch about my dad and thats why its come back. I don't know why, but nights scare me lately. All I do is sit in bed and worry one way or another about something. Most of the time I worry about stupid stuff, but I usually end up thinking of dad which makes me cry and nobody is up to help calm me down and I feel like a bother if I try to wake my mom up, so I deal with it alone.

I've been feeling very lonely these days. My phone seems to only go off if my mom is calling me or if I get a cnn update from twitter. My brother in law is trying to hook me up with a paramedic friend of his. He's 25 and Mark was saying he thinks going on a double date together would be the best option for me meeting him. He said this about a month ago and we still haven't gone out yet. I'm starting to worry this won't ever happen and maybe this guy changed his mind about giving me a chance. Wouldn't be the first time someone changed their mind about giving me a chance..

xoxoAnnie