I really need to get this off my chest.

My mom broke the news to me tonight that she's making a profile on match.com. She started it already, but hasn't finished it and also hasn't paid for it yet. I was taken aback and then she went on to show me a match she had already gotten that they sent her of a widowed guy and she seemed really interested in him and everything. It pretty much hit me like a ton of bricks. I always told her to do something like that since she's been really lonely and sad about dad and everything and she finally seems to be ready to get back out there. I'm really really trying to be supportive and I was completely fine until tonight when she told me she's really doing it.

I hate that I feel sick to my stomach at the fact of her being with someone else. And I understand that its completely selfish and totally immature of me to think this, so in no way will I tell her she can't or how I feel. If this will make her happy then she needs to do it. I want nothing more than for her to be happy and fall in love again, I just didn't think it would hit me this hard.

I have been holding back tears all night over this and I can't seem to keep my mind straight. I know in time once I get used to the idea hopefully it will be easier and I understand I need to work and put an effort to be ok with it. I honestly thought I was ok with it until tonight when its becoming a reality.

I miss my dad. I wish he was here. I will be saying a lot of prayers to give me the strength to move on and be ok with mom dating again. I really in my heart want her to be happy and have been telling her to do this if she wants to meet anyone. But man, now that its a reality I feel like I just got hit with a ton of bricks.

I guess this is one of God's tests to test my strength and faith. I hope I pass.

xoxoAnnie

It's been a while.

I need to get back in the habit of using this, because my stress level is through the roof and I need a way to vent and this is such a good way to do it.

I found out today I have to do an oral presentation in my History of Rock n Roll class next thursday. I'm already hyperventilating and having a panic attack about it even though I'd only be talking for up to 3 minutes. I just absolutely hate talking in front of people, it scares me so much! :( She's drawing names to present Thursday and then the following Tuesday and I really hope I get picked on Thursday so I can just get it over with!

What else is new? Absolutely nothing. I've been feeling so alone these days. All I do is go to school, come home, see my niece and then repeat every day. The days I'm not at school I'm working so my social life is pretty nonexistent at the moment. I just really wish I had a boyfriend, especially with the holidays now. I just wish I had someone you know? I shouldn't complain because I am happy with life and everything. I'm blessed to have the family I do, my brother and sister in law moving back to MN, and my sister and brother in law and niece living down the street for me to see whenever I want. I'm happy to have a nice house and everything, but I still feel like there's something missing- love. I've never been in love, not even close. I ache to feel it so much. I want to know what its like to love someone who loves me back and to have that kind of relationship. Maybe someday. I keep thinking that it just hasn't happened yet because no guy has ever been good enough so my dad hasn't put the right one in my life yet. Seeing things that way makes it a little easier for me, but I'm anxious to fall in love and to feel that kind of happiness.

Maybe someday.

xoxAnnie