maybe if i just dream a little..

...I can go back to when the only thing I cared about was catching a bigger fish than dad and chasing fireflies.

I wish I could say that now. I hate this part of growing up where you've got so much to lose. You got your heart on the line for someone that could potentially shatter it, school and whether your grades will be good enough to get you to where you want to go, and death of loved ones, to name just a few.

I try to keep myself as childlike as possible. I love playing games and laughing and trying to be as carefree as possible. I wish that would happen when I think about school and whatnot but for most everything else I try to be as positive as possible. I like seeing things optimistically, otherwise if you look for the negative you'll never be happy with life. I've got dealt some rough cards throughout the years, but I wouldn't be the person I am now without those experiences. They've allowed me to grow as a person and become so much stronger than I ever could imagine-and I'm only 20!

I can't wait to see what life has in store for me.

California in 6 days baby!!!! bring on the ocean <3>

xoxo

"perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven.."

I am just so thankful that I was brought up in a home that went to church every sunday and since I was old enough to talk did my bedtime prayers with mom and dad. I can remember dad laying on the bed next to me praying for family and pets that had died and saying please give them a star. I really like the thought of after you die, you get a star up in the sky. It makes the nights a little easier when you can look up in the sky and see all those stars and smile knowing that someone prayed to have someone they love get one. :]

Thats my little thought of the morning!

xoxo

tossing and turning

I know I just posted my first entry not that long ago, but I am just SO excited about blogging. It's going to be such a great stress reliever for sure now that I've got a way to just get everything out.

I've been tossing and turning the past few nights and I have a feeling this is where my panic attack originated from. I hope I'm making the right decision and going to Century. I haven't gotten into the Radiology Tech program yet since I haven't finished the prerequisites. What if I don't get accepted into it? Then what do I do? That's my biggest fear. What if I don't get accepted into that program?

I know everything happens for a reason. I am a firm believer and it still scares the shit out of me that the path I've chosen isn't set in stone. I like knowing that things are for sure going to work out, I know life hardly works that way, but just once I wish I could roll with the punches. I see myself as a pretty easy going girl- but with decisions as big as this, it's hard to just sit back and watch what will happen. As soon as I for sure get accepted into the program I can breathe a sigh of relief, until then I'm going to be a nervous wreck working my ass off for this. I want this so bad it scares me that I might not get into it. I have faith in myself, however, that the decisions I make I cannot look back and regret or rethink- because I clearly made them for a reason, that it'll make me happy.

On a lighter note-

I saw Joe today! YAY! Still no homer for him at Target Field but damn he looked so good! :] I had such a blast at the game, there would have been one exception to make that game perfect- but I will not go into detail about that just yet.

Going to say my bedtime prayers and then relax!

xoxo

A ramble of sorts.

I really enjoy writing, I write in a journal almost every night-but I dedicate that to my dad. My dad and I used to stay up late at night talking almost every night before I left for college. We were both night owls, it made perfect sense considering there's so much him and I had in common, so that's when we would talk about absolutely everything. It was our special time, and I cherish the memories and bonding that we had through that. So i dedicate a journal to write to him in every night to make up for our late night conversations so they still can happen-just not the way I would like them to.

I had my first panic attack last night. I get anxiety attacks usually for tests and what not, but nothing like this. It was really scary but it had passed after 45 minutes of hyperventilating. I wish I could know the cause and what brought it on so I can avoid them in the future. My heart hurt so bad after that from racing for so long.

I'm so ready to go to California. I need to get away for a while. I just want to lay on the beach and read and put my feet in the ocean. :] 7 days...